Wield vs Vagabonds, Sunday 15th August
Weather: Summery(ish).
Match summary – A great draw against great opposition with all results possible right till the end.
To call the pitch of last Sunday ‘soggy’ would be a bit of an understatement- infact, had any Geddes been present, no doubt a game of rugby would have ensued instead. The thin layer of mud which covered the top inch of the wicket had robbed Wield of our main weapon, inconsistent bounce. We were now faced with the rare prospect of playing on a pitch where a ball pitching at half way down the track, still ended up being a Yorker (even if the bowler were the Vagabonds’ answer to Courtney Ambrose- or at least that’s what my battered toe thought). So this was now a consistent pitch, but being Wield, consistently bad.
For a rare change, Yorkie managed to win the toss, putting the opposition in to bat in the hope that the wicket might dry out, bringing the inconsistent bounce back for when it was our turn to have a swing- genius.
The Vagabonds’ opening pair were kept caged in well by our opening tandem of Hector Don (Hectornator) and Will Frome (Fromonator). Lines and lengths were generally good, from what I can remember. My apologies for not being able to recall better details of the opening overs, but this part of the show was stolen by HRH Johnny Kemp Gee. Firstly a skied catch was poorly chased and missed. Then to prove to everyone that he was more athletic than previously demonstrated, JKG attempted to leap across the width of the wicket between overs. The run up was long, the take off was clean, the distance was (well) short, the landing very comical. The result was a World War One style trench left in the middle of the wicket, where His Highness’ right knee and foot had been dragged across the rest of the way. It was then confirmed that JKG was ok to continue, as he limped to square leg, briskly tucking into his second cigarette of the innings. During all this time one wicket also fell, apparently.
Upon the Hectornator (0-12) and the Fromonator’s (1-16) withdrawal, Andrew and Robin took over the bowling duties. Much missed was the Hectornator’s smiling and optimistic attitude to bowling, replaced by rather more sombre approach of the skipper. However, Andrew did keep the aggressive batsmen in check, taking 3 wickets for just 20 runs off his spell. Robin was sadly less effective. It seems that the Rock n Roll life style that he has recently embraced- thanks to his emergence as a world beater last season- has started to take a toll on his on pitch performance. 39 runs were hit off the one dubbed ‘the Magician’ by The Daily Mail last summer, although he did pick up a wicket too- the ruthless catching of Jack Robson (Robin you’d better stay away from Sam, I heard her mutter the words ‘Robin’ and ‘carving knife’ under her breath. It’s just what I heard...). Either way, it’s easy to see why this man’s been called the spinner’s version of Sir Ian Botham- word on the street is that he spent Saturday night with Peter Stringfellow…
Next on to bowl, with the opposition being 5 wickets down (and KG being 4 ‘death sticks’ lighter), was the man himself, ably supported by Harry Blackman. Bowling from Johnny’s end started off tight and fruitful. A wicket was picked up in his first over, with runs slowly increasing in amounts by the time of his ‘bowing out’, at the end of his third, with figures of 1-12. Harry’s spell from the other end was quite the reverse in nature. Starting off loosely, he quickly tightened up being rewarded with his first wicket in over number two. His bowling then went from strength to strength, picking up his second in the next over, before being cruelly brought off in his prime by the captain, with figures of 2-23.
The next bowling pair were Tony Robson and Guy Robinson. Upon Andrew’s informing of each of them that the were on next over, both seemed to reply identically. “Me?” … “Really?” … “Why?!”
However, Tony’s bowling (known to be reliably spot on) was not the reason for attempting to get out of such duties. This being Sunday cricket, you could see the cogs whirring, with Tony realising almost instantaneously that if he was bowling, he might not get a bat! And they say cricket’s a team game… Guy on the other hand, had no cogs to allow to whir (being related, I’m allowed to say that), with his objection coming purely because he had been told by ‘cleverer’ people before that his was not made for bowling. Tony went on to wrap up the innings, taking the last wicket to finish with figures of 1-2, and Guy chipping in with stats of 0-11 off one. Better than any of his middle brother’s figures- also told (heart breakingly) that he was not made for bowling much earlier in the season.
With no Toby Flack around to praise the tea ladies, I must fill in to say thank you SO much for the feast provided at tea, which- in all seriousness- was the perfect way to start off tackling the opposition’s total of 137.
Much to the relief of Tony Robson, he was asked to open (and in retrospect, anchor too) the innings, alongside Andrew Frome. Tony put on his batting face (strangely, it’s very similar to the ‘telling off the kids’ face which also lives in his kit bag). The strike was rotated very professionally by Tony (I don’t know how else to make a single sound good), whilst Andrew enjoyed the occasional off drive for four. However this honeymoon style partnership had to end, as all good honeymoons do. Andrew fell foul of some good bowling to lose his wicket, handing over the baton to Flashheart. This time however, Ed tired to do that stupid thing when he reins in his batting, allowing just one ‘flash’- still resulting in Robin (at umpire) and Tony’s rolling around with laughter, as usual. However, with ust 3 singles under his belt, he too fell to some steady bowling, being given out LBW by Robin (the second time in the match that Mr Hunt displayed his cutthroat style). JKG was next into the lions’ pit, and flirted around for an average boosting 9 runs, before he was ousted by his former team mates, this time rejecting the cigarette in the middle.
Upon JKG’s departure Will Frome marched in, just in time for the Vagabond’s first change bowler. The aforementioned answer to Curtly Ambrose’s first few balls were pitched short, and easily dealt with by Tony, again ‘rotating the strike’. However, once he found his line and length the following over, he became a little more of a handful. Eventually the off stump of Will took a bit of a battering (Geoff Boycott would’ve called it a ‘jaffa’- maybe Robin could ask him?). The Hectornator was next in, with his professional Don-like style not use to the soggy pitch.
After the loss of his wicket however, his joyful demeanour reminded us all that with village cricket, it’s all in the taking part. Much juxtaposed to that idea, Tony carried on anchoring the innings, frown still intact, as the lamb of the team (Guy) walked to the square (his use of a TomTom to get him there was a tad unnecessary). Guy infact proved to be more resistant than those before him, the opposition struggling with his lackadaisical, absent mental state. He dreamed his way to a highly credible 22 before also falling to some strict ‘Vagabowling’- because saying it in one word is too much effort for the young lad. He had kept Tony good company, with quick singes galore, pushing the score up to 100 odd.
After this, Harry moonwalked his way to the crease, still flying high from his bowling performance. His first ball was delivered by the returning fast bowler who had dealt with the Fromonator, and was just back of a length, and stumps bound. This was easily dealt with by Harry in his own ‘unique’ style (body as far from the ball as possible!), much to the amusement of Tony, momentarily retiring ‘the frown’. However the next wicket wasn’t far away, with Tony having cranked up his aggression levels in expectation of this, only for his wicket to be the next. Having chipped a catch to give it away, he later found out he had scored an average damaging 47. But we still clapped him.
Yorkie then strode to the crease with Harry, worrying about having to produce another ‘ugly’, match winning innings. As the score crept up to 110, Harry decided that he’d had enough, and that the sight of a limping Max batting it out would to amusing to pass up. So as Max bounded down, passing the bowled Harry on the way, the words ‘no bloody wides’ were whispered to Ed, now umpiring. With over 20 runs needed off the last over, Yorkie decided to let Max sweat it out at the strikers end for the last 3 balls. Unsurprisingly, no singles were had those last 3 balls, bringing out Max’s first smile of the match, with a draw as the end result. All satisfied, the Yew Tree was descended upon.
However please keep your eye out for Guy as his TomTom broke on the way there, and we haven’t seen him since.
Lord Flasheart aka Ed Robinson.
