Wield vs Yew Tree, Sunday 19th August
Weather: Autumn(ish).
Match summary – A great fun day with nothing resembling cricket on show
Fans of epic cinematography over the last decade will know only too well the scene in Gladiator when Emperor Commodus turned to Senator Cassius and posed the question “My history is a little hazy Cassius, but weren’t the Barbarians supposed to loose the battle of Carthage?” It is with a similar disregard for any fact that I intend to recount the blockbuster fixture between the Yew Tree and Wield CC.
Following an evening of dancing 4 decades of music, yours truly (played by Billy Elliot) scrambled together some uniform and weaponry and hurried his way across the Shire under the pretence of a 2pm start for what was being hyped as the big summer best-seller - The Battle of Middle Wield.
Upon arrival I only found the foul assemblage of Mordor (this weeks opposition) gathered around the bar. Upon closer inspection of this heathen horde I was distressed to recognise a number of the enemy; men who I believed to be loyal members of the fellowship. However after noticing the former kings of Middle Wield tucking into their free beer I despaired and, paraphrasing Elron, I uttered something along the lines of ‘men are weak’ and ‘the race of men are failing’.
Upon turning my back on these collaborators, and after exhausting Lord the Rings analogies, I was unsurprised to see that when today’s movie hero walked on set it was not Frodo Baggins but Squadron Leader Andrew ‘Big X’ Don. Following some rousing words and after Tom and Dick failed to turn up, it was left to young and eager Harry Robson to tunnel our way through the hedge, fast forward the once amusing, now tedious, Orange Mobile adverts and encourage us to get on with the main feature.
The Fellowship went into bat first, or perhaps it was the enemy – either way one team was fielding while the other was batting (such is the form in cricket these days). On the presupposition that the first assumption is correct, it was Andrew ‘Iceman’ Frome and Ed ‘Maverick’ Robinson who took to the crease first. Robinson typically persisted on conjuring a flyby over the boundary and into the pub garden while ‘Iceman’ Frome got caught in a jet stream leaving the two favourites of the Top Gun Cup wishing they hadn’t lost that luvin’ feeling.
This premature exit meant that self proclaimed sovereign Kemp Gee the V hadn’t yet managed to even mention ‘gentlemen in England holding their manhoods cheap’ before he clambered onto his steed and charged down the hill to raucous cheers from the unpaid extras. However by this stage some attractive Sweeds had risen from the bedchambers and the sun was glistening off their blonde locks from the sidelines. On the assumption that ‘men of few shots are often the best men’, his lordship returned but two balls later and collapsed into their welcoming arms while the Yew Tree delighted.
The dressing room fell silent as our guest from the Mediterranean Keith ‘Maximus’ Geddes rose from the back of a chariot and strode slowly past the other Gladiators while they saluted him, uttering quietly yet assuredly the nickname that had become legend; ‘Spaniard’. He jabbed and stabbed for a while before returning up the hill after slaying a mere 6 and asking the crowd ‘are you not entertained?’… the response? No they were not.
With all of these heroes failing to conjure anything vaguely resembling an epic, some of the spectators had lost patience and slipped next door to watch Guy Robinson and Hector Don in the Karate Kids. Although both managed an impressive 10, ultimately the motion picture was too short for older audiences and this led the crowds back into the next door cinema just in time for the much needed action scene.
Luckily in such fictitious circumstances, the audience were undeterred by the plot flaws of the karate kids being followed by Will ‘Rambo’ Frome. Predictably the kill count skyrocketed in implausible fashion as Frome jnr began the impossible task of bringing ‘edge of the seat’ adventure to what, on the sidelines, had become a bit of a romantic comedy as Kemp Gee was half way through explaining to the harem gathering that he had been at school with his brother Bufty, had buggered him senseless but it had still taught him a thing or two about life. Unsurprisingly, unlike Andie McDowell, this time the girls noticed it was raining and left.
Thankfully this meant that the crowd were less than they could have been for the authors unimpressive 2 and Robin of Loxley’s 3…meaning that another day will come for Field Hockey’s breakthrough into Hollywood.
With the first half of the movie all but over, there was a little time for a brief flurry from ‘Big X’ Don before being shocked to find he was 20 feet short of the fence. Meanwhile the last scene saw an inconspicuous first appearance by Philip ‘Sherlock’ Geddes who quickly deduced that the only crime committed had been his requirement to bat and retraced his pipe smoke back to the pavilion before you could say “elementary my dear Watson…”
After popcorn and other splendid interval treats it was the turn of the villains to take advantage of an unimposing state of affairs. Frankly the circumstances were not looking good for Hollywood’s finest, but as we know there have been more ridiculous plots.
On the assumption that a full attack would initially be the best course of action Rambo Frome and Karate Kid Don were required to open the onslaught. Both characters deserved an Oscar and audiences were tested to pick a favourite as both ended up with equally impressive figures of 2 kills with only 5 runaways. One even toppled the landlord commandant Tim ‘Sauron’ Gray who has for some time now has been scheming to find one ring to rule them all (something we hope was resolved before the wedding last Saturday).
It was a bloodbath. Other villains entered the mix but were quickly dispatched. As the less than mighty Fellowship put sword to the adversary it became apparent that, typical of the great epics, the final few scenes would see the most memorable and momentous of exchanges. Most importantly they would see the interaction with the real baddies of the day – the turncoats.
Most notable of these was Dougie ‘The Joker’ Butler a criminal mastermind notorious for swipes of witty repartee as well as his capacity for destruction on the grandest of scales. Uncertain of a strategy for his downfall ‘Big X’ turned to the investigative mastermind of Sherlock Geddes, renowned for his capacity to capture ruthless bandits though intellectual deception, if not overwhelming force. It proved to be a masterful move, following some choice words from Kemp Gee V, which did not necessarily resemble anything Shakespearean, an aggravated Dougie attempted a square cut only to find a blunt edge and the sights of Maverick Robinson. After demonstrating a 4G negative dive, Maverick took the catch and returned to base to celebrations and promises that he wouldn’t be flying cargo planes full of rubber dog s**t after all.
This brought Tony Montana to the crease. The audience yawned as anyone who has seen Scarface knows that is had the potential to be a drawn out affair. Thankfully though the heroes were sharp to the task and Montana was dispatched either LBW, caught, bowled, stumped or perhaps run out. Either way it didn’t matter, the Wield team were waving goodbye to their little friend.
Only two more obstacles remained in the form of Darth Dennys and Steve Bonaparte Jenkins however the two were clearly fair weather players. Steve misjudged the wet ground and subsequently any charges across the slow playing outfield failed to gain momentum while Jonny didn’t take a fancy to the placid meteor shower that, frankly, had everyone calling for the credits. When Keith Geddes sent the last batsman off to the plains of Elysium that signalled the end of the action and time for some final, brief, inspiring moral lesson.
Subsequently, just as night follows day, as in every good story the good guys outdid the bad ones. Both teams returned to the pub where Tim Sauron Gray, put aside ambitions of global domination and kindly distributed free pints to a contented bunch of Village heroes while the Yew Tree were left wondering what would have been had Hannibal ‘Mr Chris’ Lector not been out for dinner.
As the rain finally closed in all that was left was the belated appearance of eminent Captain Andrew Yorke. Upon arrival of this great nobleman Robin of Loxley (whose imposing figures of 10/1 had played a major part in the success) immediately took to his knee, offering his pint, and declaring how honoured he was at Yorkey’s return. To the surprise of all, Yorkey took the hand of young Robin and embraced him saying “It is I who is honoured Lord Loxley, thanks to men like you, I still have a thrown”.
How True.
Cue Credits and Bryan Adams.
The Future of Wield Cricket and local loon David Geddes
