Wield vs Yew Tree, Sunday 12th August
“Victory – the greatest tragedy in world, Madam, except a defeat”
(Duke of Wellington, on the Battle of Waterloo)
We have all seen the film – the nervous Lord Uxbridge, Wellington’s 2nd in command at Waterloo, approaching the great man as he suns himself before the battle, and inquiring as to His Grace’s plans for the day. “Why, to beat the French” replies the Duke before replacing the newspaper over his face.
It must have been like that when Lord Lymington Bottom of WKL, appointed to command for the day, sought instruction from His Grace the Duke of Yorke, (away from the field playing a Very Senior match elsewhere) before confronting the ill disciplined hordes of Yew Treeers. Despite having a numerical advantage over his enemy (of one), Lord Max was rightly worried about them, lead as they were by that excitable and redoubtable Corsican bandit and overthrower of monarchs, the medium sized but perfectly formed Emperor Dougie. (“His presence on the battlefield was worth 40 pints in the pub”). Both sides in the contest could equally well be described in Wellington’s famous description of his troops as “the scum of the earth enlisted for drink.” But to get that they first had to do battle.
Following the example of the maestro himself, Lord Max opted to bat first. Emperor Dougie must have thought – as did Bonaparte on the morning of Waterloo as he observed Wellington’s preparations – “Never disturb your enemy when he is making a mistake.”
Alas it was anything but that, as Lord Max’s Old Guard (Keith Geddes), the Slightly Younger Guard (Andrew Frome) and the Not Quite Sure How Old They Are Guard (Toby Flack) were thrown into the assault, piling up 50 runs. Then came the Very Young Guard (Will Frome) who blasted the enemy’s best efforts in every direction, scoring 49 and discovering the up till now lost art of scoring the 4 and the 6.
Other members of the Young Guard (Guy Robinson and Will Perkins) added another 47 for tea, thereby proving that the Battle of Waterloo was won on the playing fields of Harrow and Marlborough. Nonetheless it remains true that a promising and previously unknown player, only known as Extras, scored more than any batsmen bar Will Frome. Probably some dodgy Belgian unit…
At tea, Lord Max could safely feel he had done the right thing, with the score board showing 185 runs for 4 wickets. He was no doubt thinking of the Duke’s famous judgement on the day and feeling how accurate it was: “By God ! I don’t think it would have been done if I had not been there!” as he scoffed the last remaining egg mayonnaise sandwich. Emperor Dougie may have thought Lord Max “ a mere sepoy general” (Indian cricketer), but we knew better.
Charles Simeon, a veteran of the Duke of Yorke’s grumbling batting infantry (and today a turncoat) managed a sedate 12, and Matt Blackman 9 as the rot set in quickly. Wield’s dashing answer to Flashman, Col Josh Foster of the Hattingley Fusiliers, gave hope with a spirited 57 before being dismissed by Guy Robinson. Similarly Major Jim Pitkin (1st Drillbit Volunteers) managed 20. The gallant Romain (Hattingley Frog Fusiliers) scored a Wield all comers French record of 3 runs. The Yew Tree cause looked doomed.
As the shadows lengthened, the Emperor himself strode down to the wicket, with the baton of a Marshall of France in his cartridge pouch (which may account for his strange walk). Despite muttering to his soldiers that “from the summit of the pavilion, forty centuries look down on you” Dougie managed only 20 before succumbing to Robin Hunt 1st Heavy (Very Heavy) Horse.
It would be good to be able to give the final score. Alas the rout of the Yew Tree was so complete that the scorer abandoned his book at this stage….leaving the chance for Napoleonic historians to rewrite the battle and turn it into another great Imperial victory.
It would be accurate to describe this game as “a damned nice thing – the nearest run thing you ever saw in your life”. In fact, though a draw (as certain carping commentators have pointed out to me) it was in effect a rout, completed when the Wield side took over the enemy’s HQ (The Yew Tree). Lord Max led brilliantly from the rear and managed to retain his leg (although retaining leg byes was another matter) and distinguished himself by taking two catches.
As His Grace the Duke of Yorke would have put it, looking at his side: “I don’t know what effect these men will have upon the enemy; but by God they terrify me.”
Philip Geddes
(Lord Admiral of Gibberish)
